Updated: Jun 18, 2019
If I had a nickel for every crazy dating story I've heard from friends, family and clients about their dating struggles, I'd be a wealthy, semi-retired therapist planning my next vacation to the Caribbean.
While I don't have all those nickels quite yet, and am still happily employed guiding people to heal themselves and their relationships, I do have some useful tips that I've seen literally help people "get out of their own way." It takes work, focus and dedication, and most importantly, a willingness to look in the mirror and embrace change.
So if you're back in the dating scene for whatever reason or circumstance and trying to figure this whole thing out, here are 3 of my best tips for making progress on improving your chances for finding dating success.
1. Identify, take ownership and work on changing your limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are deeply rooted thoughts about yourself and others that create your behavioral patterns, often subconsciously, and that many times are detrimental to your success in a relationship. Some examples of limiting beliefs are:
"I cannot be my real, true self because people won't like me."
"I'm not worthy of finding an amazing love connection."
"All the best potential mates for me are already taken."
"I don't want to ask for what I want or need because I might be let down."
"I don't want to let someone get close to me because I will get my heart broken."
"People I care about always leave and/or abandon me."
"I can't trust anyone."
I find many people that are not even aware of their own limiting beliefs because they are so ingrained they cannot see how their beliefs are driving everyday behaviors.
Can you identify some of your own limiting beliefs? One key is to look at thoughts in which you use the words "can't," "don't," "won't," and "not."
2. Learn how to celebrate incremental progress and little victories. I'm always shocked at how many people spend more time beating themselves up over and over again for what they didn't do right versus little to no time on being grateful for the things that are going well, big or small. In some respects, this ties back to a very common limiting belief of 'unworthiness.' Many people were taught at an early age that 'life is hard,' and that 'you have to work and work to earn your value.'
That often leads to a limiting belief of feeling 'never good enough,' and when you think you're never good enough, you have a hard time rewarding yourself for what's good in life, celebrating life's small wins each day, and allowing yourself to truly be happy.
3. Find ways to love yourself and make 'self-care' a priority. This one is BIG. Self love and self care is NOT selfishness. If you do not truly love and accept yourself, you cannot love and accept others.
Put even more simply: you cannot give what you do not have.
The #1 and #2 tips above are often a result of a lack of self-love and acceptance. In most cases I see some type of childhood abuse or neglect as the direct link to a lack of self-love. From there, the wrong behaviors and limiting beliefs only snowball.
Now for the best news of all.
Your past does not have to dictate your future. If you're aware of it, embrace it, process the emotions, do it afraid and decide you want more for yourself, then it's time to do the work. Bit by bit you'll feel better, and you'll soon see a direct link between how you feel, and the quality of your relationships and dating life.
If you're struggling with finding the energy to start the work, my new book, "21 Days to Bloom," (5 stars on AMAZON) is a great tool for daily inspiration. The eBook is only $1.99 ($6.99 for the paperback), and could be the most cost-effective way to begin changing your daily thought habits immediately. Before you know it, life will start magically falling in line.
And when you're ready for the next step, my new dating tips workshop called The Mating Game is going online beginning this Sunday, June 23, 2019. It's a 2.5 hour online, interactive workshop (for only $59.00) that will help you dive deeper into your personal journey.
With much love,